iCarly: The Abridged Series!
by SwanQueenOnDeck
Summary: Watch iCarly like you've never seen it before! This is a fan made parody of the show we all love, iCarly!  Rated for potential themes.
1. iPilot

**Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly, it belongs to Dan Schneider and all of the orange peeps at Nick! However, the idea to make this a parody purely came from me! :D Teeheee!**

****** WARNING! SOME CONTENT REFERENCED IS MATURE! ******

**Authors Notes:**

Carly Shay is depicted as a complete Mary Sue, the perfect girl, in an over the top manner.

Sam is depicted as an exaggerated version of herself with bicurious tendencies. (Mainly for humor and shipping purposes)

Freddie believes he is Toplin from Drake and Josh, the extra that was supposed to be the love interest of Megan Parker. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT call him a "tech stooge"!

Spencer is an artist by day, playboy by night. How else do you think the bills get paid? :P

Gibby's the shirtless wonder. He never knows where his shirt is, even when he wakes up in the morning.

The families of iCarly members don't exist, and explaining why not would break the fourth wall, which should _never_ever be done.

Except for Mrs Benson, because she has a spray for everything. Even AIDS. :P

Oh, and Principal Franklin is Barack Obama. 'Cause he's awesome!

**iCarly The Abridged Series Episode One: iCall It The Pilot Like Everyone Else Does**

**[Opening scene, where Principal Franklin is in his room]**

**Principal Franklin : **(snickering)

Oh, this is precious! She got the head on the hippo perfectly, just like I wanted!

**Miss Briggs:**

What did you say?

[Enter Carly Shay, a normal 13 year old girl with a best friend. And another best friend. She has alot of friends, ok?]

**Carly:**

You called? Do you like the rhino?

**Principal Franklin:**

_Rhino_? I wanted a hippo! ! !

**Miss Briggs:**

(rushed)

Say what?

**Principal Franklin:**

Carly, this is unacceptable. I'm afraid, I have to punish you for this. You're going to have to-

**Carly:**

(whispering)

Please not Wesley, please not Wesley, please not Wesley!

**Principal Franklin:**

I'm leaving you in charge of the talent show this year, and since Wesley's signed up, no teacher wants to do it, even with a raise. Which I find very interesting since- (continues muttering, while camera is panned to Carly)

**Carly**

(In slow motion)

NOOO!

**Miss Briggs**

(Simulataneously)

Muahahaha!

**[Quick cut to scene with Sam holding a boy against his locker]**

**Sam:**

(Talks with Andrew Garfield's voice)

Alright, I'm gonna tell you again, if you say another word about me and Freddie being a cute couple, I'm gonna pound you to-

**Boy:**

(High pitched voice)

Not the face, not the face!

(Carly enters, grabbing Sam's hair)

**Sam:**

(pained and rushed)

But baby, I love you!

**Carly:**

Despite the fact that I cannot tell a lie, and later on in the episode iPromise Not to Tell, I will physically get sick for doing so, I was capable of telling Principal Franklin that I photosho- photodocked the picture.

**Sam:**

(In awe)

Coooool. So, now can we go rob a gas station?

**Carly:**

No! I will _not_ break character! And we're going to the talent show on Saturday to see Wesley, even though I only have to attend, making you go will also develop your character.

**Sam:**

Can I sleep on your shoulder?

**Carly:**

No! Ok, maybe, but I missed CuttleFish for this! You're sleeping on the couch missy!

**Sam:**

(walks away, while shoving the boy into a locker)

Baby, don't go, I can _change_! Btw, stay there kid, so I can kick your a-

(Wait, this is a kid's show! You can't curse!)

**[Cut to scene where Carly drops her water, and Freddie picks it up.]**

**Freddie:**

(energetically)

Hello, love of my life, who lives next door! *Waves* Hi!

**Carly:**

Hey Freddie, I-

**Freddie:**

You know I got your new cell phone like you asked, Megan!

**Carly:**

But I'm not Megan-

**Freddie:**

Sure, and my name isn't Toplin, either. Doy! One day you'll fall in love with me, Megan, you'll see.

**Carly:**

K, bye, Freddie, you've forgotten to take your medication again, I see…

(Closes door)

**Offscreen**

**Mrs. Benson:**

Freddie, c'mere so you can take your rectal exam…

**Freddie:**

No! My name is Toplin, and I am not sticking that, AH-!

(Carly opens her door to find Spencer hanging on a pole)

**Carly:**

Oh, Spencer, I should've known you were going to try a new trick on the pole. Can you get down from there, otherwise I have to call the firefighters, and they don't like you.

**Spencer:**

What, I'm just taking high res pics of myself- AH, OOF!

**Carly:**

That's my brother, roughly knocked face down on a hard surface. Did you manage to get any work done, or did you slack off today, like you do every day, and only work seriously for about one hour?

**Spencer:**

That… may have happened. But I made you a squirrel out of my camera! It's so cute, wanna pet it?

**Carly:**

Spencer, you know the only squirrel I pet belongs to-

**[Cut immediately to talent show, where Carly enters, awaiting Sam. Freddie is already setting up equipment]**

**Carly:**

Sam! Stop beating up hoboes on the street for petty cash, and get here before Freddie-

**Freddie:**

Megan! Darling, I made you breakfast, Freddie Benson style! (mutters) Though, I'm still Toplin.

So, now will you marry me, and have two wonderful kids with me so my mother will stop spraying me with-

**Carly:**

Even though I'm breaking your heart in saying no, I still want a bagel, so hand it over and I might tell Sam not to wedgie you later. Speaking of Sam-

**Sam:**

(Thinking: Holy chiz, Carly and Freddie in the same room as me? Connnflliictt!)

Hey, nerd, back off my girlfriend!

**Freddie:**

You! Ever since you came around, Megan's been acting all nice, and weird! I want her back, or I won't obsess and follow her for the rest of Season 1 until Season 3!

**Carly:**

Please, for me?

**Freddie:**

Toplin, at your service. Now if you'll notice, all my cameras are working perfectly-

**Sam:**

(Thinking) Haha, I'm gonna screw up the angle on this one, because my character is partially a tech nerd on the inside. And it also bothers Fredwad, which makes me happy inside. Wait, now I'm thinking about the nerd. Ah, stop it, self!)

**Freddie:**

Hey Sam, bet you didn't know Megan and I are in love.

**Sam:**

Read my lips you camera loving freak, Carly will never love you. Maybe I do, but I'll never tell you, because you're a nerd, ya nerd! I went to a psychic and she told me in Season 4, episode 10-

**Carly:**

Sam, stop spoiling the entire plot of this series, and sit down. You're punished today.

**Freddie:**

(In a singsong voice)

Hehe, you got punished, you got punished…

**Sam:**

Your camera framing's off.

**Freddie:**

(Sensing danger)

Oh no, I've been working on that for hours!

**Carly:**

Freddie, it's seven in the morning, did you sleep here or something? Dude, not cool, man!

**[Cut to Talent Show, where suckish people with no talent are performing]**

**[Pan to Carly and Sam with horrified faces]**

**Actor With Mustache:**

(In a French Accent) I'm going to perform an act by the original Sam Puckett. It is called, how you say, "The Man Who Wanted Soup, And The Waiter Who Refused To Give Him Some."

**Sam:** Eh, I'll live. Go ahead dweeb.

**Actor With Mustache:**

I said, ah give me the soup!

We're not giving you the soup!

I said ah give me the soup!

I'm not giving you the soup!

I said give me the soup!

**Sam:**

Buck up Carls, this play could go on forever.

**Carly:**

Is it half way over?

**Sam:**

No, this is just the beginning.

**Carly:**

You're the worst friend ever, just know that.

**[Cut to Wesley performing his rap)]**

**Carly:**

(Thinking) Must not scream "You suck", must not scream "You suck"…

**Sam:**

(Thinking) This kid sucks! But I on the other hand, get to have a nap. And dream about lard based products, MPEGS, and getting this chick to let me stay over. My mom brought over a guy, so to avoid the awkward fight over my food, I'm gonna stay at Carly's… *Nods off to sleep*

**Carly:**

(Thinking) I knew it, she always falls asleep on me. When she taught me how to drive, we had to take a 3 hour nap first! And the cops were after us!

**[Cut to the end of the talent show]**

**Freddie:**

(Thinking) Well, that was a fail, maybe Megan will go out with me for icecream? Ooo, wait they're talking! Must listen…

**Carly:**

Did I mention I like the word boobs? I do a lot.

**Freddie:**

(Thinking) Boobs? I've gotta record this, and get millions of hits on the generic site we use to watch videos on the internet!

**Sam:**

Me too! Like, "Freddie's a boob!" Or, "I wish Freddie had boobs!"

**Carly:**

Yeah, totally- wait, what?

**Sam:**

Nothing, just boobs. Can we get icecream? I'm craving waffle cones…

**Carly:**

Aw, Sam, you and your eating habits are eventually going to eat me out of house and home…

**Sam:**

It's what I do!

**Freddie:**

(Thinking) Hehe, works like a charm!

(Move to scene with Carly and Sam sleeping)

**Carly:**

Man, this girl can sleep! I wonder if the smell of my feet will wake her up? Sam, Sam! *pokes with feet*

**Sam:**

(Thinking) Mmm, bacon. Oh wait, feet.

'Sup Carls? Did you have a nightmare about fighting someone? Do I have to go back to sleep and go choke a bi-

(Sam, stop trying to curse!)

**Carly:**

Freddie promised to upload the video he took of the talent show to the generic website we use to watch videos on. Let's check it out.

**Sam:**

You always do what Freddie says, are you ever gonna say yes to me?

**Carly:**

Yes to what? You can't sleep in my room, it hasn't been built yet.

**Sam:**

And they say I break the fourth wall…

**Carly:**

O.M.G, Freddie uploaded us talking! We're talking about boobs and stuff! Quick Sam, beat him up and make him take down the video before people get ideas!

**Sam:**

Relax, it's just a vid-

**Carly:**

Sam… My father watches the internet!

**Sam:**

(simultaneously)

You're-shocking-me! Yah!

(Goes off to drag Freddie in)

**Freddie:**

No, I am being violated, and forced to be seen in my too cute pajamas! At least let me change my trucks to Spongeb-

**Carly:**

Freddie, you put up the wrong video, you moron!

**Freddie:**

Psh, no I didn't… (looks at video) Oh, shoot I did. Sorry about that, can we still be friends? Minus Sam?

**Sam:**

One day I will kiss you, and it'll confuse the (insert cash register noise here) out of you.

**Carly:**

Sam, stop spoiling Season 4. Freddie, fix this.

**Freddie:**

Will do.I have to say, I make these trucks look good!

(Quick cut to scene with Carly, Sam and Mrs. Briggs)

**Miss Briggs:**

REJECTED!

**Carly:**

But we spent all that time listening to losers! At least listen to the less suckish of them!

**Miss Briggs:**

I changed my mind, because I don't like you. Or her. And that disturbed boy with the camera. Him either. Ha, ha!

**Sam:**

What a nub!

(Cut to scene with Carly, Freddie and Sam in apartment)

**Carly:**

You know what we have to do now, right?

**Sam:**

Go on with our lives like normal people?

**Carly:**

No! We have to revolt, like the Americans did with the British in the American Revolution!

**Sam:**

Was I asleep again when this happened?

**Carly:**

No Sam, this happened in 1776.

**Freddie:**

I'm just the third wheel!

**Carly:**

I say we make a webshow with the less sucky people, and embarrass them like they were meant to be all over the world!

**Freddie:**

Yeah! And we can call the show Carly, because it's all about you! Then put an "I" in front, so you can't get in trouble.

**Sam:**

If there's food and naps, I'm in.

**Carly:**

No, but you can be my adorable sidekick who most of the fanbase loves.

**Sam:**

Can I kiss you on the webshow?

**Carly:**

No.

**Sam:**

Ok, then, I'm not working either. Meeeeeh…

**Freddie:**

I'll be your cameraman, and the butt of your jokes!

**Sam:**

Aw, you do have a cute butt! Wait, what?

**Freddie:**

Nyah! My heart belongs to Megan!

**Carly:**

Not if you were the only boy in the world.

**(Spencer enters holding a female manikin)**

**Spencer:**

Carry on, just makin' a sculpture…

**Freddie:**

(Thinking) Hm, maybe she will love me….

**Carly:**

Spencer, I'm making a webshow, and no, don't try to record it and send it to your "friends", they're all weird. And fix up the room upstairs, so I can use it? Kthanks.

**Spencer:**

And you won't tell dad about this? *Moves manikin*

**Carly:**

Nope.

**Spencer:**

Shrugs* Ok. I'll trust you to go upstairs with a girl and a boy every Friday, alone, with a camera. Seems reasonable!

**Carly:**

Yeah, just go make the room up.

**Sam:**

(Thinking)

Look at his flat butt!

**[Cut to scene with Carly and Sam rushing to start iCarly]**

**Carly:**

So we can't do the kiss, or the show will be too long. What ideas have we got?

**Sam:**

Kiss Freddie?

**Carly:**

No, kissing him would lead him on, and it's been established that I don't like him while he's still wearing shoes just to make him our height.

**Sam:**

Oh I meant me.

**Carly:**

Absolutely not, you hate him. I think. What've we got?

**Sam & Carly:**

Enter the room, say hi, introduce the freaks, push a button- oh hey the elevator stopped!

**Freddie:**

Yay, it's the girls! Five seconds until I propose to Carly!

**Carly:**

No, just water please.

**Sam:**

Wait, you're forgetting something on your lips, it's me!

**(Struggles with Carly to kiss her)**

**Carly:**

Sam! Not in front of Freddie!

**Sam:**

But he can join if he wants-

**Freddie:**

We're on in t-minus, five, four, three, two, uhhh what comes after-

**Sam & Carly:**

Heeeey!

**Carly:**

This is iCarly, another one of those reality shows, except this one is on the internet! Please watch us, or my buddy-

**Sam:**

That would be me, Sam-

**Carly:**

Will push that button-

**Sam:**

On this here remote that a geek lent me!

**Freddie:**

I'm not a geek, I'm a nerd! Learn the difference, you blonde idiot!

**Carly:**

On to the circus act! And for our next act…

**[Cut to closing of webshow]**

**Carly:**

So that's the show!

**Sam:**

Yeah, and stop eyeballing my girl, or I'll-

**Sam & Carly:**

Teepee your house! Wooo!

**Freddie:**

I think I should end in five, four, three, two, uhhh, what comes after-

**Carly:**

Freddie we're offline.

**Freddie:**

So Megan, about that date…

**Carly:**

Spencer's home, I doubt he'd approve.

**Freddie:**

Darn!

**Carly:**

See, if you only had a room…

**Sam:**

I'm bored. Can we go bother Spencer randomly, even though he might be actually doing something important?

**Carly:**

Sam, the chances of that are zero. Literally.

[Cut to the iCarly trio downstairs]

**Carly:**

(Tensely)

So, what'd they think? Did they like it or hate it? Oh gosh they hated it! I'm worse than that Rebecca Black chick!

**Sam:**

Don't think that way, Carls, Rebecca Black is _way_ worse than you.

**Freddie:**

Ooo, the comments are about- oh wait, they're about you guys. They're always about you guys!

**Carly:**

Freddie, what are you talking about, we only filmed one webcast.

**Sam:**

(reads)

'Carly is hot.' If I didn't agree, I'd totally beat the chiz outta that… girl?

**Freddie:**

Yep, a girl. If it matters, I think you're hot too, Megan...

**Carly:**

Freddie, if you call me Megan one more time…

**Sam:**

We're internet celebrities, that means we can drink and party!

**Freddie:**

But this is a kid's show, Sam…

**Carly:**

I feel the sudden urge to dance…

**(Jumps around with Sam and Freddie)**

**[Enter Spencer with his manikin, who shrugs and joins in]**

**Spencer:**

I love mosh pits!

**Carly:**

Spencer, we're throwing a cool party, what does a cool party need?

**Spencer:**

Hats, duh… and you're not even gonna ask me-?

**Carly:**

Kthanks. And you're invited, btw.

**Spencer:**

Winning!

[Cut to party, when Sam enters]

**Sam:**

Cupcake! I was _not_ thinking of you and food, and what I like to do to food…

**Carly:**

I get it. Are you drinking already?

**Sam:**

Yep! Ke$ha is my role model… I'm a celebrity!

{Kids come up for autographs}

**Sam:**

I'll sign, $100 dollars each.

**Carly:**

Wow Sam, are they really going to be worth that?

**Sam:**

You just wait until iStart a Fanwar…

**(Cue Freddie's entrance)**

**Freddie:**

Hey Megan, wanna pet my raccoon?

**Carly:**

Freddie, for the last time, no. And when are you going to call me by my real name?

**Freddie:**

When you start calling me Toplin, and make out with me right now!

**Carly:**

Yeah, Toplin is not a hot name, Freddie…

**(Two boys ask Carly and Sam to dance, which they agree to)**

**Sam:**

Look at my girlfriend's bum, and you won't be seen again! Ha, I'm right, you're never seen again!

**(Carly throws her hat in the air)**

**Carly:**

Darn that was my last one!

**So, whatcha think? Reviews peeps!**


	2. iWant More Viewers

**Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly, but I'll try to put up more episodes faster than they do!**

**iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Two: iRarely Air On TV And I Don't Know Why!**

**[OPENING SCENE: ICARLY IS AIRING WITH CARLY HOLDING UP A BRA AND A POTATO]**

**CARLY:**

This, my friends, is what Sam always keeps on her at all times. She says it's a ninja thing.

**SAM:**

It's true! The rule to being a ninja is you never leave yourself unprotected, or hungry!

**CARLY:**

Well, that solves it. I'm never becoming a ninja because Sam eats all my food…

**SAM:**

Carls, can we talk about this later?

**CARLY: **

Sure, right after we observe this horrid mole on the 34 year old lobbyist suffering a mid-life crisis.

**SAM:**

Yeah, my girlfriend terrorizes the middle-aged man, even though he has one of the most annoying jobs in the country!

**CARLY:**

Our wonderful technical producer-

**SAM: **

Wonderful? He thinks he's someone new every week!

**FREDDIE:**

And this week, I'm Toplin from that short movie "Gym Teach-

**SAM:**

No one cares, it's time for me to hide my secret love for you by treating you like garbage!

**CARLY:**

Yeah, just push a button Freddie.

**FREDDIE:**

Pushing, my love!

**[CUE LEWBERT CLIP]**

**LEWBERT:**

But you promised you'd call me! _IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS_!

**LADY:**

**(WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT)**

Good heavens, no! I was intoxicated when I met you-

**LEWBERT:**

**(LOOKING AT HER DOG)**

Is that our son?_ WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME WE HAD A SON_!

**LADY:**

I never wanted you to find out!

**LEWBERT:**

**(TO DOG)**

I am your father, you obey me now! TALK. LIKE. I. DO!

**CARLY:**

Then things only got weirder…

**[FREDDIE CHANGES THE CLIP]**

**LEWBERT:**

COOKIE! I haven't had a decent meal in weeks!

**(EATS COOKIE OUT OF A KID'S HAND)**

**BOY:**

AH! The monster's trying to eat me!

**WOMAN:**

I'll call security, honey!

**SECURITY GUARD:**  
><strong>(IN A DEEP, INTIMIDATING VOICE)<strong>

Hey, what's going on that I was conveniently here to witness?

**LEWBERT:**

**(POPS BALLOON)**

**COP:  
>(GASPS) <strong>

You popped a balloon! I'm going to arrest you!

**CARLY:**  
>You see, the man's obviously gone crazy, and needs some serious medical help…<p>

**SAM:**

So we're gonna give him a heart attack, and bother him for no apparent reason, other than "kids rule"!

**(SAM PICKS UP A PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER)**

**LEWBERT:**

**(ANSWERS, AND IS ALREADY DRUNK AT 9 PM)**

Hello, what are you wear- AH!

**(CARLY BLOWS AN AIRHORN INTO THE RECEIVER)**

**CARLY:**

iCarly, a show where we broadcast the weirdos of the world-

**SAM:**

And bring dogs together with their biological fathers…

**CARLY:**

K, we're done now, get out!

**SAM: **

Yeah, or we'll do this to you!

**LEWBERT:**

**(PICKS UP THE PHONE AGAIN)**

Hey, I didn't even get your num- AH!

**(CARLY BLOWS THE AIRHORN AGAIN)**

**FREDDIE:**

**[QUICKLY]**

Wait, I have to say in five, four, three, two, uhh what comes after-

**[CUE "FRIENDS" THEME SONG]**

**[CUT TO NEXT SCENE, WHERE FREDDIE RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN, TO FIND CARLY AND SAM]**

**FREDDIE:**

Hello, love of my life, did you enjoy watching me run like a spazz?

**SAM:  
><strong>Listen, doof, it is long overdue that we fight over Carly like it is implied we usually do-

**FREDDIE:**

Sam, stop breaking the fourth wall!

**SAM:**

No, you stop oogling my girlfriend-

**FREDDIE:**

My girlfriend!-

**SAM:**

No, mine!-

**FREDDIE:**

Why don't you just admit you're in love with me-

**SAM:**

I would, if you weren't gonna say that in iWas a Pageant Girl-

**FREDDIE:**

Ha! You love me!

**[THEY ARGUE INCESSANTLY, UNTIL CARLY SPRAYS THEM BOTH WITH WATER]**

**SAM:**

Hey what gives, you hit him more than me!

**FREDDIE:**

Yeah! And that's not even water!

**CARLY:**

How dare you two stop fighting over me! Oh, and Spencer always told me that making people wet always solves problems.

**SAM:**

Then why'd you hit the nerd?

**FREDDIE:**

Hey, I happen to enjoy- AH!

**SAM:**

AH!

**[BOTH ARE SPRAYED AGAIN BY CARLY]**

**CARLY:**

Now behave, or no dinner for you guys!

**(CALLS OUT****)**

Spencer! Stop being a lazy bum, and come eat the dinner I slaved over!

**(TO SAM AND FREDDIE)**

Sam, flirt with my brother, and we're over.

**SAM:**

No promises…

**[SPENCER RUNS IN WITH A TOILET SEAT LID]**

**SPENCER: **

I broke the toilet! Now what?

**CARLY:**

We're gonna eat and discuss the point of this episode!

**SAM:**

And this is where Spam was born!

**SPENCER:**

I'm going to talk about gross things to ruin Freddie's dinner! By the way, why do we always pick on him?

**[FREDDIE IS HOLDING UP HIS FOOD, HORRIFIED, THEN PUTS IT DOWN]**

**SAM:**

Because, until iWill Date Freddie, Freddie's the kid everyone picks on until girls realize he is hot. Sam does not like this!

**FREDDIE**

**[STABS AT FOOD]**

I. ONLY. WANT. MEGAN.

**SAM:**

Ah, Freddie, again with the Megan?

**SPENCER:**

Who's Megan, is she hot?

**SAM:**

Freddie thinks Carly is Megan. And you just called your sister hot!

**FREDDIE:**

I'm going to marry her! Anything you have to say to that?

**SPENCER:**

Awkward…

**CARLY:**

While this is still about me, we need a real plot here, so anything else?

**SAM:**

Yeah. I'm pregnant, Carls.

**FREDDIE:**

Megan, you look exquisite…

**SAM:**

Why don'tcha just marry her if you think she's so hot?

**FREDDIE:**

Sam, you're not supposed to be jealous, that is out of character for you!

**SAM:**

Oh, shut up and bend over already, comedic reli- AH!

**[CARLY SPRAYS THEM ONCE… AGAIN]**

**CARLY:**

I see that the spray bottle will be pivotal to the plot in this episode. Whatever, I'll just say we're going to get more viewers this week, and we'll have a contest against each other to see who can get more people to watch the show.

**SAM:**

Shadi the main character, betches! That ensures me a win!

**FREDDIE:**

Ah, not my love muffin! Why do you always have to win?

**SAM:**

Because I'm the loveable bad (insert foghorn noise here) that everyone wants to succeed, even though I'm probably evil. Maybe.

**SPENCER:**

Ah, the classic boys versus girls match. I had a girl this week, but she didn't like seeing me in my light up in the dark socks.

**SAM:**

Light up in the… dark?

**[SPENCER UNVEILS HIS LIGHT UP IN THE DARK SOCKS]**

**SAM:**

**(THINKING)**

That was _sooo_ hot!

**FREDDIE:**

It's settled, we're going to have a contest!

**SAM:**

Not before one more obligatory joke about you and how I once wore your antibacterial-

**[CARLY SPRAYS SAM]**

**CARLY:**

We do not pick on friends. Also, you're supposed to be fighting over me only, ok?

**SAM:**

**(SHRUGS)**

Only if you promise to do that again.

**SPENCER:**

Let's have Lewbert be in the plot!

**CARLY:**

Hell no!

**(SAYS RAPIDLY)**

Loser touches Lewbert's wart!

**SAM:**

Yeah, I'm switching to whatever team Spencer's on, peace, Carls!

**[CUT TO SCENE WHERE SPENCER RUNS UP TO FREDDIE IN SCHOOL]**

**[FREDDIE BUMPS HIS HEAD ON HIS LOCKER]**

**FREDDIE:**

Ow! Spencer! If it was for your hot sister, I'd seriously kick your-

**SPENCER:**

**(CUTTING HIM OFF)**

I had a dream! We're going to lose the contest anyways, so picture this: We make the biggest traffic jam, ever! Then we'll break a world record!

**FREDDIE:**

No, we won't because then we'll have a record for that, and no point to iWant a World Rec-

**SPENCER:**

The sign can say "Marry me, Carly!"

**FREDDIE:**

That's genius!

**(THEN QUICKLY ADDS)**

Make it say "Megan" or no deal.

**SPENCER:**

Whatever, weirdo, I get to explode things! YAY!

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Spencer, cutting again?

**SPENCER:**

Haha, no, I graduated! Good try though!

**MISS BRIGGS:**

I failed you six times, you didn't graduate.

**SPENCER:**

Oh, right…

**FREDDIE:**

**(NERVOUSLY) **

Uh, I don't know him…

**(TO SPENCER)**

Run before she expels you!

**SPENCER:**

I didn't fail- oh yeah, Spenish class… That was you?

**FREDDIE:**

Don't look directly into her eyes?

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Seriously, are you two wetting yourselves? Do I have to get some diaper-

**FREDDIE:**

Run, or she'll get us both!

**(PULLS SPENCER OUTSIDE)**

**[CUT TO SCENE WHERE CARLY AND SAM ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV]**

**[CARLY GRABS SAM'S WRIST]**

**CARLY:**

I got it! Despite Seattle's _horrible_ weather, and the _extreme_ unlikelihood of us realistically getting on a show that popular, we're gonna make a big, non-water proof sign!

**SAM:**

Why'd you let go…?

**CARLY:**

Stop Sam, or there'll be no point to having Freddie on the show.

**SAM:**

Whatever, I'm the cutest person on the-

**CARLY:**

**[SPRAYS SAM WITH WATER... WHILE SAM IS SECRETLY WONDERING IF THIS IS CARLY'S MEANS OF FOREPLAY]**

**SAM:**

Ok, so are you!

**[CUE TO SCENE WHERE CARLY AND SAM ARE OUTSIDE THE STUDIO OF SEATTLE BEAT]**

**[THE SIGN GETS WET, AND WASHES AWAY]**

**CARLY:**

Well, at least we gave homage to that video by T.a.t.U…

**[CUT TO SCENE WHERE FREDDIE AND SPENCER ARE WORKING ON THEIR ELECTRONIC SIGN]**

**SPENCER:**

**(ZAPPED)**

OW! Freddie, that shock hurt me, will you kiss my boo-boo?

**[CARLY AND SAM ENTER THE ROOM, SOAKED]**

**CARLY:**

We're wet in more places than one.

**SAM:**

**(THINKING) **

Says you. Speaking of wet… its Spencer.

**SPENCER:**

I got a boo-boo…

**FREDDIE:**

Sam, you suck. Megan, you don't.

**SPENCER:**

**(CELL PHONE RINGS)**

I'm just gonna let this sign drop on you while I take my call.

**(ON THE PHONE)**

Oh hey, non-existent person! I'm not abusing a child. K, bye!

**[CUT TO SCENE WHERE ICARLY IS WEBCASTING]**

**SAM:**

Hey, this week I got a dude to dress up in a bunny suit!

**CARLY:**

True story, let's see it!

**SAM:**

Nerd, that means you!

**FREDDIE:**

Who's in denial?

**[CUT TO BOYS ON SCREEN]**

**BOY IN BUNNY SUIT:**

We're sooo not high! I love iCarly! And bunnies! So do you think Carly can wear one?

**CARLY:**

Ok, so now we know Sam lost her privileges for the week.

**SAM:**

At least I enjoyed it!

**CARLY: **

So now we're just gonna cut Sam off, and see what Spencer's doing to fill up the duration of this webcast!

**[CUT TO SPENCER WEARING HEADPHONES ON THE SCREEN]**

**SPENCER:**

I'm eating a taco! What's up Carly?

**CARLY:**

Spencer, what are you doing?

**SPENCER:**

I decided since we were going to lose, I'd make a traffic jam and get arrested! K, bye kiddo!

**[PUSHES A BUTTON TO LIGHT UP HIS SIGN]**

Hehe! I freaking win!

**SAM:**

Yep, that's my best friend's brother… For his sexy points, I give him a-

**[PUSHES BUTTON OF HER REMOTE, WHICH YELLS OUT THE NUMBER 8]**

**Carly:**

I get a 10, Spencer, Freddie.

**SPENCER:**

**[CARS BEGIN TO CRASH]**

**[LOOKS AT WRECKAGE]**

You saw _nothing_!

**[DUCKS TO AVOID THE POLICE]**

**[CUE TO ICARLY TRIO IN KITCHEN]**

**SAM:**

I can't believe he got arrested... check it out!

**FREDDIE:**

Of course you'd say that.

**SAM:**

Freddie, if we keep fighting, people are gonna think we love-

**CARLY:**

Ok, that's it. Keep making things obvious, because I'm leaving-

**[OPENS DOOR TO SEE SPENCER AND OFFICER CARL. SPENCER WALKS IN AND WAVES]**

**OFFICER CARL:**

This junkie your brother?

**CARLY:**

For five bucks, maybe.

**OFFICER CARL:**

Well, we've got no room for him at the pen, so we're releasing him, despite the fact that he injured and potentially kill-

(You can't say kill on a kid's show!)

**CARLY:**

Nope, not my brother!

**SPENCER:**

I'm sorry, can we be BFFLS forever… please?

**[OFFICER CARL BACKS OUT, THEN COMES BACK IN]**

**OFFICER CARL:**

**(SNIFFS LOTION, AND RUBS IT ON HANDS)**

Haha, bet you wish you could do this, huh junkie! Mind freak!

**SPENCER:**

**(WHISPERS LOUDLY)**

He's totally baked!

**CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE:**

We know…

**CARLY:**

Look at the comments we got about you Spence!

**SAM:**

**(READS)**

Dude, the bit with the foreign kid drinking spaghetti was 'eh', but when Spencer got arrested, I wet my pants!

Signed,

Toplin13

**FREDDIE:**

What a cool kid!

**CARLY:**

Freddie, the point of comments is to hear _other_ people's opinions. Anyways, this one reads "Carly and Sam, stop messing with people's heads and just date already. Love, Camftw!"

**SPENCER:**

Hold on, what do you guys do on your show? And didn't we all lose?

**CARLY:**

Well-

**SAM:**

We lost first, so I'm touchin' it.

**SPENCER:**

Ooo, can we watch?

**CARLY:**

What the heck, why not? It's not like we have any homework to do or anything.

**FREDDIE:**

What Megan said.

**SPENCER:**

Wait! I've gotta pee!

**[THE ICARLY GANG, WITH SPENCER, RUNS OUTSIDE TO FIND A BUSH, AND WATCH SAM POP LEWBERT'S WART. END SCENE.]**

**So, installment II is up! Whatcha think webbers of the world?**


	3. iDream of Dance

**Disclaimer: Raise your hands if you think I have the millions of dollars to own iCarly, despite me writing fanfiction. Noone? Thought so. ****J**

**iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Three: iAm The Gibby!**

**[OPENING SCENE: SAM IS EATING BREAKFAST WHEN CARLY WALKS IN ON HER]**

**CARLY:**

Sam, what're you doing?

**SAM:**

**(THINKING)**

Looking at my future wife?

**(SAYS)**

Eating.

**CARLY:**

You know if you stayed longer-BACON!

**SAM: **

**(THINKING)**

Gets 'em every time.

**[FREDDIE ENTERS THE CLASSROOM]**

**FREDDIE:**

**(TO CARLY)**

Megan.

**CARLY:**

**(TO FREDDIE)**

Freddie.

**FREDDIE:**

**(TO SAM)**

Monster.

**SAM:  
>(TO FREDDIE)<strong>

Split personality.

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Sit down! Gibby's in class today and- why does it smell like a gym in here?

**[CARLY AND SAM EXCHANGE GUILTY LOOKS]**

**[MISS BRIGGS LOOKS OVER TO CARLY, EXPECTANTLY]**

**CARLY:**

At least it wasn't in cl-?

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Enough!

**[FEARFUL, SAM DUMPS ALL OF HER FOOD INTO FREDDIE'S BACKPACK]**

**SAM:**

There! All finished!

**FREDDIE:**

You know what I'd call you if I could…

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Well today, as always, I'm going to torture you with bagpipes…!

**GIBBY:**

**(VOICED BY ISAIAH MUSTAFA, THE OLD SPICE MAN)**

Hello, I'm here…

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Hush, minor character!

**GIBBY:**

**(THINKING)**

My pink shirt is still on…

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Since I hate you all, I'm forcing you to listen to this horrible music until you cry. And if you make loud noises, I'll fail you! Everybody okay with that?

**GIBBY:**

I'm wearing plaid-!

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Ew, no! Like I was saying, I met this man who ravished me with his kilt and dancing, and I HAD to show my future husband to you! So here he is!

**[GUY COMES IN]**

**CARLY:**

Yeah, you bring in your boyfriend and tell me I can't have-

**[MUSIC PLAYS, CUTTING CARLY OFF, WHILE THE MAN DANCES]**

**SAM:**

Your skirt's laaame!

**[THE CLASS BOOS AND MISS BRIGGS CUTS OFF THE MUSIC]**

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Shut up! Who the (insert elephant noise here)said that? Raise your (insert retching noise here) hand!

**SAM:**

Gibby.

**[MISS BRIGGS LOOKS TO GIBBY]**

**GIBBY:**

No way, Sam started this!

**(TO SAM)**

You just wait until Season 3!

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Detention! And failure!

**SAM:**

Psh,your boyfriend's gay anyways.

**[CARLY LOOKS OVER TO SAM, IN A WARNING MANNER]**

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Don't listen to her. Continue, please!

**[THE CLASS BOOS AGAIN]**

**MISS BRIGGS:**

F's then?

**[THE CLASS ERUPTS IN FAKE CHEERS, WHILE THE MAN STARTS TO DANCE. IN FEAR AND AWE, SAM PULLS OUT TWO SLICES OF BACON AND PASSES ONE TO CARLY.]**

**CARLY:**

**(THINKING)**

Wow Sam, your gaydar is _really_ accurate!

**[CUE "FRIENDS" THEME SONG]**

**[CUT TO CARLY AND SAM WALKING THROUGH THE HALLWAY OF HER APARTMENT]**

**SAM:**

Thanks for coming home with me. I know you don't approve of my mom, but I appreciate that you pretend.

**CARLY:**

It's what I do.

**SAM:**

Wait, you didn't smell the alcohol-?

**CARLY:**

I'm the nice Mary Sue! But yeah, she really reeked. You gotta talk to her about that.

**[FREDDIE EXITS HIS APARTMENT]**

**CARLY:**

Hey, peeper, I just got here for your normal stalk. Bye now!

**FREDDIE:**

The doctor says my backpack didn't make it! Sam, you go apologize to it, or I'll tell everyone-

**SAM:**

I want in your pants. There.

**CARLY:**

Sam, Freddie want some awful tea while we make the plot?

**FREDDIE:**

Yes!

**SAM:**

Yes, honey.

**CARLY:**

So, I hate that you got detention _again_, Sam.

**FREDDIE:**

She deserved it!

**SAM:**

I wish you were bad, detention's so boring without you…

**CARLY:**

**(PASSING SAM A CUP)**

Drink.

**SAM:**

Will do. Look at how she gave me a lemon before you, Freddie! It's love…

**FREDDIE:**

Shut up, blondie!

**SAM:**  
>Wanna say that again?<p>

**FREDDIE:**

That's why I drunk texted your mom! Last night!

**SAM:**

That was me. On _your_ phone!

**FREDDIE:**

**(QUICKLY)**

Say wha-?

No wonder mom is worried…

**(THINKING)**

Must… wash… evidence…

**SAM:**

So, what're we gonna dance in this episode?

**FREDDIE:**

I only dance for pay.

**[SAM TAKES FREDDIE'S STRAW AND STICKS IT IN HERE EAR WITHOUT HIM REALIZING THIS]**

**CARLY:**

Nah, I think we should just let people embarrass themselves and send it in to us!

**FREDDIE:**

Long as it's not me!

**SAM:**

Duh yeah!

**FREDDIE:**

**(LOOKING DOWN)**

My bendy straw…?

**SAM:**

Ah, got the pimple.

**(DROPS STRAW IN HIS GLASS)**

**[CUT TO THE TRIO STARTING ICARLY]**

**FREDDIE:**

In five, four, three, two, uhh what comes after-

**CARLY:**

I'm Carly!

**SAM:**

I'm Sam.

**CARLY:**

We make out-

**SAM:**

With ham-

**CARLY:**

Sometimes boys-

**SAM:**

And sometimes Freddie!

**CARLY:**

What? Since when do we do this?

**SAM:**

You know…

**CARLY:**

Although Sam clearly is a dirty liar, I'll just say-

**CARLY AND SAM:**

**(SHOUTING)**

We kiss nubs!

**SAM:**

So, for the point of this show-

**CARLY:**

We wanna see your suckish moves!

**SAM:**

All of you losers who watch us-!

**CARLY:**

Should send in your most stupid-

**SAM:**

Most drunken-

**CARLY:**

Moves that look like dancing.

**[DURING THE DIALOGUE, THE GIRLS DO SEVERAL FORMS OF DANCE]**

**SAM:**

Now enjoy-

**CARLY:**

Us spazzing-

**SAM:**

Like retards-

**CARLY:**

For you!

**[THE DANCES STOP]**

**CARLY:**

To win, you'll have to bribe us pretty well!

**SAM:**

Yeah, watching you is bad enough!

**CARLY:**

So send in your money-

**SAM:**

Or I'll-

**CARLY:**

That's Sam-

**SAM:**

Tell your mom how bad she was!

**CARLY:**

Sam, did you really-?

**SAM:**

No!

**[BOTH GIRLS JUMP OUT OF THE WAY OF THE CAMERA]**

**[CUE NEXT SCENE, WHERE SAM IS BREAKING A LOCKER WITH A HAMMER]**

**CARLY:**

**(OBSERVING, THINKING)**

Aw, baby…

**SAM:**

Hey!

**CARLY:**

Hm?

**SAM:**

Stupid locker that will be introduced later in the series won't open! Meh!

**[CONTINUES HAMMERING LOCKER]**

**[FREDDIE ENTERS]**

**FREDDIE:**

So, we got about 3,000 videos to watch! We're gonna be rich!

**CARLY:**

Makes you ask what kindof people watch our show…

**SAM:**

Obviously four year olds, pedos-

(Sam! Stop implying bad things about your fans!)

**[SAM RETURNS TO HAMMERING HER LOCKER, UNTIL GIBBY ENTERS]**

**GIBBY:**

So you decide to ruin my locker as well? For shame…

**SAM:**

Oh sor-

**GIBBY:**

Season 3.

**SAM:**

**(OPENS AND CLOSES HER LOCKER)**

Meh, I'm leaving. K bye Gibby.

**[THE ICARLY TRIO LEAVES, AS GIBBY'S LOCKER DOOR FALLS OFF]**

**[CUE SCENE WHERE ICARLY TRIO IS JUDGING VIDEOS FOR CONTEST]**

**CARLY:**

Blows.

**SAM:**

Lame.

**FREDDIE:**

Blows.

**SAM:**

Time for me to point out you agreed with her.

**FREDDIE:**

And me to imply you're jealous.

**CARLY:**

If I weren't so tired, I'd hit you both.

**SAM:**

Time for the mandatory Creddie.

**CARLY AND FREDDIE:**

AUUUUUGH!

**SAM:**

For the rest of the night.

**CARLY & FREDDIE:**

AUUUUUGH!

**[SPENCER ENTERS, NOTICING THEY'RE WATCHING VIDEOS]**

**SPENCER:**

Hey, what're you guys- oh look, total spazzes!

**CARLY:**

Enjoy, we'll be watching dancing videos all night for iCarly.

**SPENCER:**

Can… I show you one? Hm?

**CARLY, SAM, & FREDDIE:**

**(ONE AFTER THE OTHER)**

Yeah, whatever.

**SPENCER:**

Shoosh yeah! I call it, "The Spazzinator".

** [FLAILS ARMS AROUND]**

**CARLY:**

Meh, 5.

**SAM:**

8.

**FREDDIE:**

5.

**CARLY:**

K, bye Spencer.

**SPENCER:**

But I just need- my helmet!

**[RUNS OFF TO GET HELMET]**

Hm, where did I… ooo, a hamburger from last week! I knew you didn't eat it, Sam!

**[CUT TO THE ICARLY TRIO, STILL WATCHING VIDEOS]**

**SAM:**

And another dose of Creddie.

**CARLY AND FREDDIE:**

Auuuugh!

**[CUT TO NEXT VIDEO, OF ATTRACTIVE GUY]**

**CARLY AND SAM:**

Holy chiz, he's hot!

**FREDDIE:**

I don't like this hot boy who is obviously hot.

**HOT BOY:**

**(WHO IS VOICED BY EDWARD CULLEN)**

Hey, Carly and Sam, I'm gonna dance for you. Ya know, rate me.

**[DANCES]**

**CARLY:**

Gosh, he's hot!

**SAM:**

Smokin' hot!

**FREDDIE: **

My character is obviously jealous of you two always lookin' at dudes.

**CARLY:**

Then it's questionable why you always hang out with girls.

**CARLY:**

Vote? I say a zillion!

**SAM:**

A zillion and three!

**FREDDIE:**

I'm going to sulk and pout cutely over there.

**CARLY AND SAM:**

Out the way, we're watchin' here!

**[CUT TO SCENE WITH OBLIGATORY SHIP MOMENTS]**

**[SAM IS LEANING ON FREDDIE'S SHOULDER, UNTIL HE NUDGES HER OFF=SEDDIE]**

**[LATER, ON, SAM IS LAYING ON CARLY'S LAP, TURNING HER HEAD TO HER SLOWLY=CAM]**

**[THEN CARLY LAYING ON SAM'S LAP=X2 CAM]**

**[CUT TO SCENE WHERE THEY FALL ASLEEP AND DREAM WAKING UP IN SCHOOL]**

**CARLY:**

I hate this next part!

**FREDDIE:**

I'm with ya.

**SAM:**

I'll make sure peeps know it's a dream sequence!

**FREDDIE:**

Yeah!

**CARLY:**

You do that, Sam.

**[THE BELL RINGS AND STUDENTS CROWD THE TRIO, WHILE DANCING]**

**CARLY:**

See?

Why the obligatory HSM reference?

**FREDDIE:**

I hated that movie!

**SAM:**

They're all from Dingo!

**[THEIR CLASSMATES GO ON WALKING AROUND LIKE NORMAL, AND SAM WAKES UP]**

**SAM:**

No… not the… Dingo… Channel.

**[FALLS BACK ASLEEP]**

**[CUE SAM'S DREAM OF BEING IN DETENTION]**

**MISS BRIGGS:**

Quiet in here! I hate you all! So shut up, while I make your ears bleed!

**SAM:**

Time for my masochist line!

**MISS BRIGGS:**

And to assure I get full points on Bagpipe Goddess …

**[PLUGS IN AMP]**

**SAM:**

Oh hell no! I am not-

**[WARDROBE CHANGES TO IRISH DANCER]**

**[SAM DANCES, AS IF FORCED]**

**SAM:**

Stop! They can't know- I dance- well… Makes me look like Britney- and not a bad (insert speaker feedback noise here)

What in Brigg's name did I do to deserve this?

Don't show off- my flexibility-

**[HOLDS LEG UP, CARTWHEEL, AND A FULL SPLIT]**

**[TWO GUYS PICK HER UP, DRAGGING HER TO A CHAIR]**

**SAM:**

Hey paws off, unattractables!

**[GIBBY RUNS IN, ONLY WEARING HIS UNDERWEAR]**

**GIBBY:**

Am I late for my sexy cameo?

**SAM:**

Gibby, run of they'll turn you and make you dance!

**[GIBBY SENSES DANGER, AND RUNS]**

[CUE POV CHANGING TO FREDDIE, THINKING ABOUT CARLY AND SAM]

**FREDDIE:**

**(THINKING)**

Ah, Megan, I'll prove my love for you- wait, why do I hear Sam's voice to? Ah well…

**[CUE FREDDIE'S DREAM, IN SCHOOL, WHERE CARLY IS REJECTING THE HOT GUY]**

**HOT GUY:**

Blah. Blah blah blah blah, blah blah.

**CARLY:**

**(BLOWS RASPBERRY IN HIS FACE)**

**HOT GUY:**

Blah! Blah blah blah blah blah…?

**CARLY:**

Go away, I'm in love with Toplin kindof.

**HOT GUY:**

Blah blah, blah…

**[FREDDIE ENTERS, CLEARING HIS THROAT]**

**FREDDIE:**

You heard the girl, she's with me.

**HOT GUY:**

**(ADVANCING TOWARDS HIM)**

Blah? Blah blah blah?

**FREDDIE:**

Haven't you gotten this is the dancing episode?

**[CUE FREDDIE TURNING HOT, AND PLAY THE GENERIC VERSION OF "BEAT IT" WHILE FREDDIE DANCES/BEATS UP THE HOT GUY]**

**[CUT TO FREDDIE WINNING CARLY OVER IN HIS DREAM, AND SMILES]**

**[CUE SHIFT OF POV TO CARLY]**

**CARLY:**

Sam? Yep, I always call for Sam in my dreams-

**[LOOKS AROUND, AND FINDS HOT GUYS ALL OVER THE APARTMENT]**

Sam? No, hot guy….

Sam? Another hot guy…

So, I'm hoping you all just wanna dance, because I'm not that kinda girl…

**[CARLY DANCES WITH THE HOT BOYS, UNTIL SHE HEARS SPENCER YELLING]**

**SPENCER:**

Carly! I heard you moaning, is everything ok? Do I have to fight someone?

**SAM:**

Uh…

**CARLY AND FREDDIE:**

Noo…

**SPENCER:**

But I heard someone talking about Megan, and Sam, and Gibby…

**SAM:**

Not in front of Carly…

**FREDDIE:**

Ugh, I'm going home before my mommy calls the cops on Megan.

**SAM:**

Carly, I'll make it up to you if ya let me stay over…

**CARLY:**

Yeah, yeah.

**FREDDIE:**

Night, crazies.

**CARLY, SAM AND SPENCER:**

Night, psycho…

**CARLY:**

**(TO SPENCER)**

Night helmet…

**SAM:**

It looks gayer than I'm implied to be…

**(YAWNS)**

**SPENCER:**

**(THINKING)**

Now time for me to really make the fan girls scream!

**[CUE SPENCER'S DREAM, WHICH IS THE SAME AS CARLY'S, WITH HIM IN A DRESS, DANCING WITH HOT GUYS]**

**SPENCER:**

WHAT-? NO!- I'm not!- Into dudes!

**[CUE SPENCER WAKING UP]**

Woah, dude…

**So, episode 3 is up! Tell me whatcha think!**


	4. iLike Jake

**Disclaimer: I haz cheezburger, but I no haz da iCarlyz. :P**

**No seriously, I don't own iCarly, as much as I've asked for it for Christmas, and my birthday, and New Year's, and Hannukah, and Rosh Hoshanna, and….**

**iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Four: iLook A LOT Like Sam**

**[OPENING SCENE: SAM IS WALKING PAST CARLY'S LOCKER]**

**SAM:**

Mornin' hotstuff…

**CARLY:**

Morning Sam.

**SAM:**

You know who sucks cheese?

**CARLY:**

Freddie?

**SAM:**

Yeah…

**[SAM OPENS HER LOCKER, WHILE CARLY LOOKS ON CONFUSED]**

**CARLY:**

Wait, didn't you introduce your locker last week?

**SAM:**

No, that was a mistake by the company that owns us.

**[SAM OPENS HER LOCKER TO SHOW CARLY IT'S HERS]**

Ya see, I got it from a random crew member on the show.

**CARLY:**

Sam, that's so sweet, but we see each other 24/7 already, don't we?

**SAM:**

Yeah, but this is to show the older kids that I pick on Freddie just to get close to you. He and I have an agreement: We switch lockers, and he gets bullied for the next four years.

**[CUT TO DUKE, THE WRESTLER, VOICED BY BARNEY FROM THE SIMPSONS]**

**DUKE:**

They didn't invite me to the party, so I got mad and did this!

**[HITS LOCKERS RIGHT ABOVE FREDDIE]**

**RANDOM ASIAN JOCK:**

Oh yeah? Well, my mommy says you do it like this!

**[HITS LOCKERS RIGHT NEXT TO FREDDIE'S HEAD]**

**FREDDIE:**

Uh, guys, don't-

**DUKE:**

You hit like a girl! Girl!

**RANDOM ASIAN JOCK:**

My mom's a girl! Hey!

**[THEY FIGHT, AND FREDDIE IS SANDWICHED BETWEEN TWO JOCKS]**

**FREDDIE:**

Hey! Wait! My character's not gay! Seriously, I'm a main character! I refuse to be treated like-

**[THE JOCKS CONTINUE FIGHTING, AND TUMBLE TO THE GROUND, WHILE CARLY AND SAM LOOK ON]**

**FREDDIE:**

I feel so violated! Please don't hurt me, I'm just a boy! I don't wanna die from your stinky-!

**CARLY:**

Hey, they're selling 2 for jock straps in the boy's bathroom!

**DUKE:**

Jockstrapsay wha-?

**DUKE AND RANDOM ASIAN JOCK:**

**[VOICED BY CHEECH]**

SWEAT STAINS!

**[FREDDIE OPENS HIS LUNCHBAG SOMBERLY, PULLING OUT CHOCOLATE PUDDING]**

**FREDDIE:**

Mommy, they smashied my pudding, beat them up…

**CARLY:**

**(IMPATIENTLY)**

Hey, quit your crying or no icecream later on.

**[HOLDS OUT HAND, WHICH FREDDIE TAKES. CARLY THEN LIFTS FREDDIE HALFWAY OFF THE GROUND]**

**LEXI:**

OMG, Carly!

**CARLY:**

**(THINKING)**

Oh gosh, stalker chick…

**(SAYS)**

Yes?

**LEXI:**

Jake Krandle divorced that trashy Stephanie, like OMG!

**CARLY:**

OMG boy!

**[CARLY LETS GO OF FREDDIE, AND RUNS TO THE GROUP OF GIRLS]**

**FREDDIE:**

Mommy- ow!

**CARLY:**  
>Tell me it isn't so!<p>

**LEXI:**

OMG is so! Which is great, because Jake's been married, since like the third grade!

**[THE GROUP OF GIRLS SCREAM, AND SAM WALKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR CIRCLE]**

**SAM:**

**(TRYING TO GET THEIR ATTENTION)**

Hey, hey!

**(SHOUTS)**

Wait a minute!

Please tell me all you girls realize that this dude's a _total_ ripoff of me, and he'll totally break your pretty hearts? Especially Carly's itty bitty fragile-

**[THE GIRLS SCREAM LOUDLY AGAIN]**

**CARLY:  
><strong>Are you displeased by the results of the poll?

**SAM:**

My heart is shattered. I think I need a minute…

**(LOOKS BACK AT GIRLS)**

**[CUE FRIENDS THEME SONG]**

**[CUT TO SCENE WHERE JAKE IS TALKING TO A GROUP OF GUYS]**

**JAKE:**

And I then I said, "It's cool." Cool, right?

**[CARLY AND SAM SLOWLY MOVE FORWARD FROM A DARK CORNER]**

**CARLY:**

**(WHISPERING)**

No one can see us making out here! Success!

**[CARLY LOOKS ON AGAIN, TAKING A BITE OF HER APPLE]**

Look, I know we said we'd be exclusive-

**SAM:**

But-?

**CARLY:**

For some reason I have a strong urge to cook pastries on his stomach! Please don't be jealous!

**SAM:**

I'd eat whatever you made…

**[NODS IN AFFIRMATION]**

But, I don't want him in our group. Wanna say your last goodbye?

**CARLY:**

What? Sam, don't be unreasonable, I want his children!He could be my true love…

**SAM:**

Carls, don't make me hit a nub with an apple…

**CARLY:**

What're you-

**[SAM TAKES CARLY'S APPLE, AND THROWS IT AT JAKE'S HEAD, CAUSING HIM TO TURN AND LOOK AT THEM]**

**SAM:**

Carly hates you!

**[THEY SHOVE AND JOSTLE EACH OTHER, BEFORE SAM BREAKS FREE, AND RUNS AWAY]**

**JAKE:**

I think you threw an apple at my head.

**CARLY:**

Yeah, so you won't marry me? I'll just go to class, then…

**JAKE:**

Hold on.

**CARLY:**

Woo, he didn't say no!

**JAKE:**

Your name's Carly Shay?

**CARLY:**

Well, it's good for us to learn each other's names, you know, for our vows… What's going on yours?

**JAKE:**

Um, you're like a celebrity on iCarly, and I was thinking…

**CARLY:**

Oh, go on… I won't vomit, I promise.

**JAKE:**

Could you aim away from the hair?

**CARLY:**

Yeah sure, so about our wedding?

**[SAM REEMERGES FROM THE CORNER, AND LOOKS ON WHILE JAKE AND CARLY CONTINUE THEIR CONVERSATION]**

You should see my brother, and visit our apartment first, and you can be on iCarly, even if you suck kindof…

**JAKE:**

Oh, I suck?

**CARLY:**

Well, yeah, but we can still put you on. I mean, we're letting Gibby on soon.

**[SAM SMILES WHILE LOOKING ON]**

**JAKE:**

I'll consider your proposal.

**CARLY:**

Kthanks.

**JAKE:**

So I'll be on iCarly?

**CARLY:**

You sure will be…

**[SAM RUNS DOWN THE STEPS TO CARLY, EXCITED]**

**SAM:**

What'd he say? Can I give him a wedgie bounce on the show?

**CARLY:**

I proposed, and he said he'll think about it!

**[CARLY SCREAMS IN JOY, SAM IN FEAR]**

**[CUE ADMINISTRATOR WALKING IN]**

And then I said, "I'm a lady, we girls don't do that."

**SAM:**

Uhuh, and boys have cooties… they're so gross, I wouldn't kiss theee-

**[THE ADMINISTRATOR WALKS AWAY, AND THE GIRLS SCREAM AGAIN]**

**[CUT TO SCENE WITH CARLY AND SPENCER WORKING ON A SCULPTURE]**

**CARLY:**

Ok, so what's the point of this game again?

**SPENCER:**

This one time, I passed out, and woke up in this exact position. I think I was duck hunting…

**(DISTORTS BODY, SIMILAR TO THE SHAPE OF THE SCULPTURE )**

**CARLY:**

Yeah, for that story, we should at least point out your amazing abilities with your butt.

**SPENCER:**

Done!

**(TURNS ON RADIO WITH HIS HIPS)**

Butt music!

This is war, lil' sis! I was a pro at fingerpainting!

**CARLY:**

Oh, that explains so much about you…

**[DOORBELL RINGS AND CARLY ANSWERS THE DOOR]**

Oh hey Ja- AH! I can't talk to you!

**JAKE:**

Look, I know about Sa-

**[DOOR IS SLAMMED IN HIS FACE, THEN CARLY REOPENS THE DOOR]**

**CARLY:**

Just kidding, wait there!

**SPENCER:**

What happened?

**CARLY:**

The boy who looks like my girlfriend is right outside!

**[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT, WHERE FREDDIE LEAVES HIS APARTMENT AND NOTICES JAKE]**

**FREDDIE:**

Hey, why is someone hot like you outside my fair lady's door?

**JAKE:**

I'm just here for Car-

**FREDDIE:**

It's Paige, James. This is not Zoey101, and you're not getting the lead girl ever.

**[CARLY EXITS HER APARTMENT]**

**CARLY:**

Ok, so I'm all prettied up to get marri-

**FREDDIE:**

I've got it all under control. James here knows we're in love…

**CARLY:**

Right, Jake, come inside?

**FREDDIE:**

**(TALKING WHILE THE DOOR IS CLOSING ON HIM)**

I don't even know what you see in him, because he looks just like Sam anyw-

Whatever, darling. You just wait until you and Sam need a webcam set up in your room… 'Cause I'm the tech guy…

**[WALKS AWAY LIKE A CHAMP]**

**JAKE:**

Ok, what's that?

**CARLY:**

Uh, nothing let's go upstairs and-

**SPENCER:**

Hold on, what happened to Sam-?

**CARLY:**

Exnay on the ex-girlfrienday!

**SPENCER:**

Ok, but can I touch his soft blonde-

[SPENCER ACCIDENTALLY FLICKS PAINT ON JAKE]

**CARLY:**

Right, we're going now, psycho! Kbye.

**(TO JAKE) **

Sorry, he's… artists are just weird, ok?

**[CUT TO CARLY AND JAKE IN THE ICARLY STUDIO]**

**CARLY:**

And to your left is where our wedding photo will be.

**JAKE:**

I just want to be famous, dude…

**CARLY:**

Yeah, and there's our car, aw, Sam and I used to sit there…

**JAKE:**

Hey, what's this thing?

**CARLY:**

Oh, uh, you don't wanna touch tha-

**[JAKE PUSHES A BUTTON, AND A LOUD, TERRIFIED SCREAMING NOISE IS MADE]**

Yeah, like I said, Sam's into some weird-

**[JAKE PUSHES THE BUTTON AGAIN, AND A GENERIC CARLY VOICE IS HEARD, SAYING "YES, SAM PUCKETT IS A HAIR AND SEX GODDESS. I MUST WORSHIP HER. WORRRSHIIIPPP."]**

**CARLY:**

Ok, I think we've had enough fun with buttons-

**JAKE:**

Oh, uh that might be a problem-

**[GOES TO SIT ON THE CAR AND A RECORDING OF SAM YELLS "GET THE B***P OFF MY CAR!]**

**CARLY:**

**[TURNS OFF THE CAR ALARM]**

Yeah, she's uh, well- she's not my girlfriend!

**JAKE:**

I'll marry you, if you let me on your show to sing… cause, you know, every hot guy can sing and play guitar…

**CARLY:**

Well, although it'd annoy Freddie and Sam who fight over me every chance they- yes!

**JAKE:**

Kthanks.

**[PUSHES A BUTTON ON SAM'S REMOTE, AND A CAR CRASH NOICE IS MADE]**

Hehe, bet your girlfriend isn't famous like I'll be-

**[REMOTE FALLS]**

Uh, either she's here, or this place is cursed…

**CARLY:**

"I like it on the floor!"

**(WAITS A BEAT)**

Nope, not here.

**[CUT TO SPENCER WITH A SCULPTED PAPER MACHETE ON HIS HEAD]**

**SPENCER:**

Woo! I'm an astronaut!

**SAM:**

Shush, I need a rebound, and you're the only person not into…

**(OBSERVES HIS SCULPTED HEAD)**

Carly… Yeah, I don't think that looks hot at _all_…

**SPENCER:**

Dude, can't you see I'm a super astronaut with fantastical powers?

**SAM:**

Look, I'm just here to find my girlfriend, and maybe a hot nerd.

**SPENCER:**

But- what about me? Look, I have tubes in my head like an ant? That's gotta be cute?

**SAM:**

Yeah, I'm going before this Spam starts to develop.

**SPENCER: **

Feed me some coffee?

**SAM:**

Meh, alright

[POURS COFFEE INTO TUBE, AND SPENCER CHOKES]

**SPENCER:**

Ah, the astronaut is drowning!

**[CUT TO ICARLY STUDIO WHERE JAKE IS TUNING HIS GUITAR]**

**FREDDIE:**

So, you steal my girlfriend, make my mortal enemy cry, and play your stupid guitar on my webcast. What, do ya think you're cool now?

**JAKE:**

Uh, duh?

**FREDDIE:**

Dude, I hate you!

**JAKE:**

Well, your girlfriend sure doesn't seem to-

**FREDDIE:**

I'll back slap you right now, no joke!

… I need some tissues.

**[CUT TO CARLY AND SAM IN AN ELEVATOR, WHILE CARLY IS APPLYING HER LIPGLOSS]**

**SAM:**

I'm glad to see you reconsidered this whole issue…

**CARLY:**

Sam, Jake and I are still getting married… Hm?

**SAM:**

You're in love with me, though…

**CARLY:**

I'm not in love.

**(CORRECTING HERSELF)**

With you.

**[CARLY AND SAM ENTER THE ICARLY TO THE STUDIO, WHILE FREDDIE CHECKS THE MIC]**

**FREDDIE:**

This kid's a nub! This kid's a nuuub! A total nuuub!

**SAM:**

He's not a complete jerk too?

**FREDDIE:**

Well, the only way he'd be classified as a jerk would be if he kiss-

**SAM:**

NO. Just, no.

**JAKE:**

So, am I getting a contract?

**CARLY:**  
>Seeing as I agreed to this without thinking, we have to check if you really suck or not, ok hubby?<p>

JAKE:

**[SETS UP GUITAR]**

Hey ladies and babes… I'm Jake, and this will be all your pleasure tonight.

**[PLAYS AND SINGS HORRIBLY, WHILE THE TRIO LOOK ON IN BOTH HORROR AND AMUSEMENT]**

**(AFTER HE FINISHES)**

Sexy, huh?

**[CARLY AND SAM GIVE A WEAK THUMBS UP]**

**FREDDIE:**

**(CLAPPING)**

Oh, I knew you would suck…

**[CUT TO LATER, WHERE THE TRIO IS STILL IN THE STUDIO WITH JAKE]**

**JAKE:**

So, like, am I famous now?

**FREDDIE:**

You could sing my mom to sleep, and she listens to hymn songs!

**SAM:**

You suck, so please leave!

**JAKE:**

I'll go warm up for the girls out there- I mean Carly…

**[THEY ALL ENCOURAGE HIM TO LEAVE, SAM AND FREDDIE NEGATIVELY, CARLY, POLITELY]**

**SAM:**

Well, I think we've eliminated another guy in our fight for Carly, alright. Does he suck more than my mom on a bad day?

**SAM AND FREDDIE:**

Yes!

**CARLY:**

Nyeah, that's my future husband!

**SAM:**

Uh, I promised to be a virgin for you, then you went and proposed to him. He's lucky he still has his wallet and underwear.

**CARLY:**

C'mon Sam…

**[DRAGS SAM OVER TO THE SIDE]**

You and Freddie can't be jealous forever…

**SAM:**

**(URGENTLY)**

Cupcake…

**CARLY:**

I'm marrying him, no questions. Now please, if you could get over that, and him being a horrible singer?

**SAM:**

Ahem, if you do, all I'll keep doing is have nightmares about soup!

**CARLY:**

Sam, you romantic-!

**(LOOKS OVER)**

Oh, an elevator!

**SAM:**  
>Gotcha babe, I'll push him, and we'll be worry free!<p>

**FREDDIE:**

I second that.

**CARLY:**

I'd be all for it, if it weren't illegal. Just, shut it down or something so he doesn't make our show suck.

**SAM:**

I love you…

**CARLY:**

We, the three of us work. At least we can all sing, and have a webshow…

**FREDDIE:**

So, we're not killing him a little?

**[CUT TO CARLY AND SAM DOWNSTAIRS WITH JAKE]**

**SAM:**

Hey loser!

**CARLY:**

We don't need to get married!

**JAKE:**

I changed my shirt to tie dye. Ya like?

**SAM:**

Sucks!

**CARLY:**

I hate tie dye, but cute…

**[JAKE TRIES TO GO UP THE STAIRS, BUT CARLY AND SAM BLOCK HIM]**

**SAM:**

Woah, main characters only! Take the elevator, bub.

**CARLY:**

Just do what she says. She won't take your money that way. Ok, maybe I lied…

**[CARLY OPENS THE ELEVATOR FOR JAKE]**

**JAKE:**

Usually girls kill to join me…

**SAM:**

Uh, we need tissues…

**CARLY:**

And that doesn't mean something bad…

[CARLY AND SAM PRETEND TO BLOW THEIR NOSES UNTIL JAKE IS GONE]

**SAM:**

Quick, how can I electrocute him?

**CARLY:**

Uh, behind the thingy?

**[SAM FINDS A BREAKER BOX, AND OPENS IT]**

**SAM:**

Which button blows things up?

**CARLY:**  
>Red, stupid!<p>

**[SAM PUSHES A BUTTON, AND THE POWER GOES OUT]**

**JAKE:**

Dude! Is the world ending? I can't die young!

**CARLY:**

Yes, so don't move!

**[CARLY AND SAM RUN UPSTAIRS. MEANWHILE, THE PHONE RINGS, AND SPENCER ATTEMPTS TO GET IT]**

**SPENCER:**

Dad, I did i-!

**[FALLS OVER THE COFFEE TABLE]**

**[IN THE STUDIO]**

**FREDDIE:**

Is he really dead?

**SAM:**

He will be soon, now fight with me.

**FREDDIE:**

Why, if we teamed up this episode?

**CARLY:**

Not again, this episode's focused on me. So, what's our segment now that he's gone?

**SAM:**

Making out with Freddie.

**FREDDIE:**

Don't think so...

**SAM:**

Is so happening!

**[THE TRIO IS INTERRUPTED BY JAKE IPENING THE ELEVATOR,AND POPPING OUT]**

**JAKE:**

I wasn't going to disappoint my fans. And my lady…

**CARLY:**

Yeah, you're gross now…

JAKE:

I'm just like Sam, but not violent. Plus you have to make me sing or I'll sue…

**SAM AND CARLY:**

**(THINKING)**

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUC-

**(SAYS)**

Yeah…

**JAKE:**

Yep. My lawyer's a lady with no foot. She's old, and calls me grandson for some reason. None of my grandma's look old. But she's sue your pants off.

**[SAM AND CARLY 'AW' AT THE SAME TIME, IN DISTRESS]**

**CARLY:**

Wait, if she's your grandma-

**SAM:**

She can't save your douche self…

**JAKE:**

**(NERVOUSLY)**

K, I can always just sue you now…

**CARLY:**

Uh, we're having a team meeting outside…

FREDDIE:

I thought only you and Sam had-

**[SAM PUSHES FREDDIE OUTSIDE]**

**SAM:**

Let me kill that nub!

**CARLY:**

We'd get sued!

**SAM:**

And our show would lose views! He's a guy me!

CARLY:

You can sing, though! Freddie, just auto-tune him or something.

**SAM:**

Freddie… show the world you're gullible…

**FREDDIE:**

What am I a nerd? If you "kiss" me, then "maybe" I won't be a virgin!

**CARLY:**

Jealous isn't cute.

**FREDDIE:**

My offer stands.

**CARLY:**

I can't.

**FREDDIE:**

Then, hell to the no!

**SAM:**

Either fight or kiss, c'mon!

**FREDDIE:**

I only need one-

**CARLY:**

No.

**FREDDIE:**

To show mom-

**CARLY:**

No.

**FREDDIE:**

Ok, but I'm not crazy.

**[THEY GO BACK INTO THE STUDIO. CUT TO THE TRIO AIRING ICARLY]**

**CARLY:**

So, next on the show-

**SAM:**

Carly and I are gonna "fight" live on the internet!

**CARLY:**

Yep! Even though it's definitely illegal!

**SAM:**

Psh, psyche! Gotcha weirdos!

**CARLY:**

Yeah, you guys can skip this part.

**SAM: **

We're only letting some dude Jake sing.

**CARLY:**

Yeah, it's not that awesome… Jake…

**[CARLY AND SAM CLAP UNENTHUSIASTICALLY, WHILE JAKE ENTERS]**

**JAKE:**

Hot girls, ladies, this song is for all of you… And for that old lady with no foot? I've got your phone number…

**[STRUMS GUITAR]**

**CARLY:**

Hit the button thingy now!

**FREDDIE:**

"Whatever, my love!"

**[JAKE SINGS, BADLY]**

**CARLY:**

Does he sound less horrible?

**[FREDDIE HANDS HER HEADPHONES TO LISTEN TO JAKE'S VOICE AUTO-TUNED]**

**[CUT TO SPENCER, DOWNSTAIRS]**

**SPENCER:**

Aw, pretty voices in space! Lalala-

**[CHOKES ON WATER]**

It's not water! Or butter!

**[CUE BACK TO THE TRIO UPSTAIRS, WHILE JAKE IS SINGING]**

**CARLY:**

Time for cute Creddie!

**[KISSES FREDDIE'S NOSE]**

**[CUT TO "GRAMMY ONE FOOT"]**

**GRAMMY ONE FOOT:**

He got my messages! YES! YES! YE-

**[FALLS OVER]**

**[CHANGE SCENE TO CARLY AND SAM ENTERING SCHOOL]**

**SAM:**

Ugh, I hate mornings. And anything not involving sleep, sex, or bacon.

**CARLY:**

Ah, I provide all three for you don't I?

**SAM:**

It's settled, you're my soul mate. Uh…

[CARLY LOOKS OVER TO SAM'S VIEW, TO SEE JAKE KISSING HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND]

**CARLY:**

What the hell! I proposed to him last night and he's back with that trash filth chick, who's his ex-wife! No idiot remarries their ex-wife, what kind of moron does that? !

**SAM:**

Aw, Cupcake… You got ten minutes to spare?

**CARLY:**

Not now…

**[SAM WALKS AWAY, AND CARLY WALKS UP TO JAKE]**

Uh, Jake?

**[GIRLS WALK UP TO JAKE, EXCITEDLY]**

**LEXI:**

OMG, you're so hot, like-

**UNNAMED GIRL:**

Oh my gosh.

**LEXI:**

Call me!

**UNNAMED GIRL:**

No, me!

**CARLY:**

Ok…

**JAKE: **

It happens a lot…

**CARLY:**

Yeah, whatever, you're super hot, and you look like a guy version of Sam, and we broke up because you're a worse singer.

**JAKE:**

Well, I kinda told everyone that you and Freddie made out, so I'm all good.

**CARLY:**

Pfft, made out? That kid got a nose kiss. More than Sam and I can do on screen, but still more action than you'd get too.

**JAKE:**

Whatever, I'm hotter than you both…

**[JAKE WALKS AWAY, TO A DISTRESSED CARLY]**

**CARLY:**

Is that all you got? C'mon, come at me dude, I could cut you!

Sorry for the long delay! Thanks for the reviews and support guys! ^_^


	5. iWanna Stay With Spencer

**Disclaimer: After over a year of obscurity, I've returned! With a partner, the nicest Seddier you could meet, RobSp1derp1g! Major props to him for helping co-write these episodes, and more to come!**

**But sadly, neither of us own iCarly. That, is property of Dan Schneider. The Simpsons also don't belong to be either. xD However, we own our imaginations, so muahahaha!**

**iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Five: iSpencer, The Pyromaniac**

**FREDDIE:**

In five, four, three, two, uhh what comes after-

**CARLY:**

This is the FBI.

**SAM:**

We know what you did.

**CARLY:**

Oh, what's that? I'm 13.

**SAM:**

Same here.

**CARLY & ****SAM TOGETHER:**

And you're busted!

**SAM:**

So listen up.

**CARLY:**

Me and Sam have been practicing.

**SAM:**

I taught her to fight!

**CARLY:**

Yeah, in case you guys get too rowdy and want to meet us.

**SAM:**

So if you do, we'll just fist pump your face, as Carly will now demonstrate.

**CARLY:**

Like so!

**[PUNCHES SAM IN THE FACE]**

**CARLY:**

Thought I wouldn't do it?

**[SAM GET UP, AND SEEMS TO HAVE A BLOODY NOSE]**

**CARLY:**

Wait, hold the cheese, that really hurt?

**SAM:**

**(COVERING HER BLOODY NOSE)**

Freddie's... my boyfriend?

**[A BEAT, THEN]**

Stupid, none of it's real!

**CARLY AND SAM TOGETHER:**

DUHHH!

**CARLY:**

Self defense 101...

Last week, one of you guys sent us a weird video.

**SAM:**

Yeah, some chick from internet who's annoyingly loud.

**CARLY:**

Sam's jealous.

**SAM:**

The girl just screams!

**CARLY:**

Freddie, push the red button.

**FREDDIE:  
><strong>Pushing.

**KERI MACKLER:**

Hi, Carly. Hey, Sam.

Omg, I love your show. Please watch this!

Okay, so I'm going to break this expensive glass, so please watch me. Are you watching, k watch this.

**[SINGS A HIGH NOTE AND BREAKS THE GLASS]**

**CARLY:**

Yay!

**SAM:**

Woah!

**CARLY:**

Is that legal?

**SAM:**

Why can't you just tell me you like random dudes that aren't me?

**[CUT SCENE TO END OF iCARLY WEBCAST]**

**CARLY:**

Ok, so since we made a bet, and I had no other ideas, my brother Spencer-

**SAM:**

Or my crush-

**CARLY:**

He's gonna try not to break things in here.

**SAM:**

Team Spencer everyone!

**CARLY:**

So get out here, because this week's plot is yours, Spencer!

**[SAM HITS THE APPLAUSE BUTTON. ELEVATOR DINGS, AND SPENCER ENTERS THE STUDIO]**

**SPENCER:**

**(Voiced by Otto of The Simpsons!)**

Yo, yo wassup?

**SAM:**

See, he's even fluent in urban speak!

**SPENCER:**

Yeah, I went on the internet, and generically searched for how the kids talk today, with the "Can't", and "Feels", and "ALL THE THINGS". There was even "Take this thing, and push it over there!" I like "ALL THE THINGS", so I made this!

**[PULLS OFF CLOTH TO REVEAL "FAN OF HAMMERS"]**

ALL of the hammers! Sam do that thingy!

**[SAM PUSHES THE APPLAUSE BUTTON]**

**SPENCER:**

Ya hoo! All of my feels, I can't!

And guess what- it can move too.

**CARLY:**

Right on!

**SAM:**

Don't kill us!

**[FAN BEGINS TO MALFUNCTION]**

**SAM:**

Uh, you heard us right?

**SPENCER:**

Yeah, of course I-

My ship's sinking!

**[SPENCER DRAMATICALLY DROPS TO THE GROUND, AND CARLY DUCKS, NARROWLY MISSING A FLYING HAMMER]**

I regret nothing.

**[CUE "FRIENDS" THEME SONG]**

**[CUT TO CARLY'S APARTMENT WITH THE TRIO ON THE COUCH. THE DOORBELL RINGS]**

**SPENCER:**

Oh, the door!

**SAM:**

Hey Spence, you haven't answered my calls.

**FREDDIE:**

Hey, I so happen to be your... never mind.

**SPENCER:**

Grandpappy?

**GRANDDAD:**

Screw up.

**CARLY:**

Old gramps!

**GRANDDAD:**

Sweetheart, how's my bank account?

**CARLY:**

Empty! Didn't you see what we were wearing yesterday?

**GRANDDAD:**

You know I can't answer that seriously...

**CARLY:**

Right... So what gives, old man?

**SPENCER:**

Yeah, isn't this my week?

**GRANDDAD:**

What, I can't be unusually specific and wrong at the same time?

**SAM:**

Why does anybody care about this conversation?

**FREDDIE:**

'Cause we haven't fought yet this episode?

**[SAM SHOVES A PIECE OF POPCORN UP HIS NOSE]**

**CARLY:**

Freddie's got split personalities.

**GRANDDAD:**

Ah, I think I remember meeting Toplin...

**CARLY:**

And, of course Sam, my friend who I don't have any romantic feelings for.

**GRANDDAD:**

Sure, and I know that she also didn't try to kiss you on iCarly...

**SAM:**

**(NERVOUSLY)**

She's got good breath.

**GRANDDAD:**

I'm broke, so will this help?

**CARLY:**

Seriously? A $5 coupon for my $10,000?

**SAM:**

Lemme see?

**CARLY:**

Noo!

**GRANDDAD:**

**(LAUGHING)**

Four ninety nine.

**SAM:**

Right on...

Time for a sandwich!

**CARLY:**

Wait, this still doesn't add up.

**GRANDDAD:**

Oh leave, and we'll make up the plot.

**CARLY:**

Bye.

**SAM:**

Sparly!

**FREDDIE:**

Nothing.

**SPENCER:**

Can you pick me up some butter?

**CARLY:**

Nope. That's for next week.

**SPENCER:**

I need it for later...

**[CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LEAVE]**

I can explain, sending her to get butter sounds weird, but I'm not doing anything illegal...

**GRANDDAD:**

**(SLAMMING THE DOOR)**

What happened to our deal?

**SPENCER:**

Wait, you smoke weed too?

**GRANDDAD:**

I meant to take Carly's money from the show!

**SPENCER:**

Well, then no comment.

**GRANDDAD:**

You were supposed to hit her. I trusted you to do it!

**SPENCER:**

Hey man, I tried. I dropped to the floor, and broke a nail!

**GRANDDAD:**

Really? You couldn't have made another sculpture to do it?

**SPENCER:**

I did my best. And she said it almost worked, and she said the other one was too kinky and/or illegal.

**GRANDDAD:**

I knew something was wrong when I let you drop out of Harvard, and you had on only underwear.

**SPENCER:**

Ya think, Sherlock?

**GRANDDAD:**

We could've been rich.

**SPENCER:**

Eh, money's overrated.

**GRANDDAD:**

Is it?

**SPENCER:**

Yeah, when you're rich, this is shunned upon!

**[PULLS UP HIS SHIRT AND PLAYS WITH HIS STOMACH]**

**GRANDDAD:**

I knew you were a male stripper.

**SPENCER:**

**(PLAYING PEARPOD LOUDLY)**

Sorry, didn't catch that. I'm advertising Apple products.

**GRANDDAD:**

**(GETTING LOUDER AS HE CONTINUES)**

It seems you've gotten attached to Carly, and you didn't remember our deal. What with you being an idiot, I wonder how you made it to college! So I really think that

**(SHOUTING)**

I'm gonna take over iCarly!

**[SPENCER STOPS HIS MUSIC]**

You can't get it done.

**SPENCER:**

Excuse me, I can. And for your information, you smell funny, and Carly hates that.

**GRANDDAD:**

What did you say?

**SPENCER:**

You reek of greed and liquor.

**GRANDDAD:**

Well, what do you know?

**[MIMICS SPENCER PLAYING WITH HIS STOMACH]**

**SPENCER:**

My statement stands.

**GRANDDAD:**

I'm going to randomly reference Drake and Josh now.

Spencer, get it together, or I'll _never_ buy you a puppy.

**[GRANDDAD EXITS, AND SPENCER RUBS HIS TUMMY, SAD]**

Woof...

**[CUT TO THE APARTMENT, WHERE SPENCER IS TRYING TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE]**

**CARLY:**

**(RETURNING)**

Alright, Spencer. No butter until next week.

**SPENCER:**

What are you saying?

**CARLY:**

You're our butt monkey, duh.

**SPENCER:**

And if I wanted to quit?

**CARLY:**

You know you can't! We didn't tell about your weird-

**SPENCER:**

I'm aware... We need to talk.

**CARLY:**

Oh sure, you get to say it. I'll be sure to mention that when you want candy.

**SPENCER:**

You know that's not fair! I'm a grown man!

**[STRUGGLING]**

Grandpappy wants me to kill you on iCarly!

**CARLY:**

Are you seriously getting this upset over butter?

**SPENCER:**

You don't get it.

**CARLY: **

I care?

**SPENCER:**

Grandpappy says he'll do it if I won't. And I don't even though you guys ignore me.

**CARLY:**

He what?

**SPENCER:**

And he'll be the lead character on iCarly.

**CARLY:**

Say what? Hell no he's not!

He think's he's so awesome! What do you think?

**SPENCER:**

You don't care.

**CARLY:**

That's pointing out the obvious.

**SPENCER:**

We should rub our tummmies.

**CARLY:**

I guess I'm just going to do this by myself, because you're borderline mentally challenged.

**SPENCER:**

Hey, now. No need to bash me, I was born this way.

**[CUE LADY GAGA's "BORN THIS WAY" line]**

**CARLY:**

Sadly.

**SPENCER:**

What I meant was, go upstairs and start iCarly!

**CARLY:**

Yeah, sure.

**SPENCER:**

And set up the webcam!

**CARLY:**

Oh, Lord...

**SPENCER:**

And get me my butter!

**CARLY:**

Still gross...

**[CUT TO CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE IN THE iCARLY STUDIO]**

**SAM:**

Hey, what gives?

**CARLY:**

We've got our first enemy, I don't know what to do about this.

**SAM:**

He's old, we could just wait.

**FREDDIE:**

Sam, Prince Gabriel would appreciate if you not touch his things?

**SAM:**

Oh well, this is not True Jackson, nerd.

**[PUSHES RANDOM BUTTONS ON FREDDIE'S EQUIPMENT]**

**[SPENCER ENTERS FROM THE ELEVATOR, IN A SUIT THAT IS TOO SMALL FOR HIM]**

**SPENCER:**

This was a bad idea.

**FREDDIE:**

Cool...

**CARLY:**

Are you trying to kill yourself?

**SPENCER:**

If I fail, I'll never get my puppy, and you guys are sortof mean.

**SAM:**

Did we say you could talk?

**SPENCER:**

No, master.

**SAM:**

Heel.

**SPENCER:**

Let me live!

**CARLY:**

We're currently debating it. Sam says meh, but Freddie kinda wants to meet Crazy Steve.

**SPENCER:**

Fine, but do I get any food tonight?

**CARLY:**

We'll see.

**SAM: **

Smells like old people.

**(TO FREDDIE)**

You smell confused.

**FREDDIE:**

Your rump resembles meat.

**CARLY:**

Guys, no confusion. You two settle it, while Spencer pawns his dignity.

**SPENCER:**

Aw...

**[CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE EXIT, FREDDIE FEARFULLY AWARE OF SAM]**

**[CUT SCENE TO THE TRIO WALKING DOWNSTAIRS]**

**FREDDIE:**

Whatever shall we do?

**CARLY:**

**(RUSHED)**

Go away.

**FREDDIE:**

Gone.

**CARLY:**

No. Front door's for me!

[SAM AND FREDDIE CIRCLE BACK FROM THE DOOR TO THE BACK, AND LEAVE, SAM STOPPING TO STEAL A PLATE OF FRUIT, THEN EXITS]

**CARLY:**

**(OPENING THE DOOR)**

Heeey, you...

**GRANDDAD:**

Money bags!

**CARLY:**

And a cheap T-Shirt...

**GRANDDAD:**

The cheapest!

**CARLY:**

What's this of you killing me?

**GRANDDAD:**

Sit down, I'll explain.

I think we need to talk.

**CARLY:**

Not again.

**GRANDDAD:**

I'm worried that some weird things are going on here with you and your friends.

**CARLY:**

Got any evidence?

**GRANDDAD:**

Well, personally, no.

**CARLY:**

And? Then there's nothing going on!

**GRANDDAD:**

Hold on. Some kids have watched it, and said at times it got weird...

**CARLY:**

Yeah, what do kids know? They're probably watching the Jersey Shore, and bleaching their stupid hair blonde!

**GRANDDAD:**

Cash cow, you guys are going to jail unless you let me own iCarly.

**CARLY:**

Ew! Prison is not attractive!

**GRANDDAD:**

Whether Spencer is going is still being negotiated.

**CARLY:**

Hey, hands off my slave! He's tall and stupid.

**GRANDDAD:**

Michael...

**CARLY:**

And I do not look like Michael Jackson from a glance!

**SPENCER:**

**(EXCITEDLY)**

Hey, I think I might be able to get down-!

**[SLIPS AND TUMBLES DOWN THE STAIRS]**

I spoke too soon?

**[CUT SCENE TO LATER, IN THE APARTMENT]**

**CARLY:**

Please don't take my slave from me!

**SPENCER:**

Please don't make me live with her.

**GRANDDAD:**

Spencer'd make a good slave...

**CARLY:**

Psh, Spencer gags on command and frequents gay bars. Those two things are not related.

**SPENCER:**

Check it.

**[PRETENDS TO THROW UP]**

I'mnotgay. Noreally!

**GRANDDAD:**

Yes really. I'm taking Spencer.

**SPENCER:**

Man, I never win at anything!

I hate my life!

**CARLY:**

We can negotiate.

**GRANDDAD:**

So, let's start bidding.

**[NEGOTIATING WHILE SPENCER IS FAILING AT UNDOING HIS TIE]**

**CARLY:**

We let him eat and sleep.

**GRANDDAD:**

And what about him being happy?

**CARLY:**

He is happy.

**GRANDDAD:**

Yeah, because he's a male night dweller.

**CARLY:**

He's not!

**GRANDDAD:**

Can you prove that?

**CARLY:**

Not exactly.

**GRANDDAD:**

How about free? And I can add in a cookie too.

**CARLY:**

**(THINKING FOR A SECOND)**

Wait! Who'll pay my bills?

**GRANDDAD:**

You could work Spencer's job at night.

**CARLY:**

Nooo!

**GRANDDAD:**

Well, it's settled, I'm keeping him. iCarly is going to be cancelled, and I'll be rich!

**SPENCER:**

**(STRUGGLING, AND TIED TO HIMSELF)**

Kill me now.

**[CUT TO CARLY, SAM, AND FREDDIE AT CARLY'S LOCKER]**

**SAM:**

I knew you'd leave me.

**CARLY:**

Sam, save it for a fanfic.

**FREDDIE:**

I ought beat that wench with a stick!

**SAM:**

I can't believe your fake British is cute.

**[TAKING CARLY'S PEARPOD]**

Sweet, a gift for me?

**[HOLDING UP CARLY'S PEARPOD]**

**CARLY: **

Sam, we already advertised it!

**SAM:**

I know you're selling it right? So you don't have to get a real job?

**CARLY:**

Shut up.

**SAM:**

We could all get real jobs.

**CARLY:**

We can't get real jobs!

I'm cute and normal. You're always violent, and that other thing...

**FREDDIE:**

Nymphomaniac.

**SAM:**

Says a fake prince!

But, what about Friday nights?

**CARLY:**

He says we can't go online anymore...

And he's got us all wrong!

Yeah we made Spencer... a male escort. Big whoop.

Doesn't mean we should have to work for a living.

**SAM:**

Maybe we could see what it's like to be Spencer, and show him that it's not that bad?

**CARLY:**

Woah...

**FREDDIE:**

Huh?

**CARLY:**

That means I have to dress pretty trashy.

**FREDDIE:**

Yes, Spencer always clothes those garments in the evenings...

**CARLY:**

Uhuh! So Daddy Warbucks can see Spencer's all weird and gross!

**SAM:**

And he'll never learn about Spencer setting things on fire!

**CARLY:**

We've got it!

**FREDDIE:**

I'm going to be knighted and betrothed?

**CARLY:**

Freddie, stop. You're not really British.

**SAM:**

Though it turns me on...

**[CUT SCENE TO SPENCER COOKING IN THE KITCHEN. SOMEONE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]**

**SPENCER:**

Come on in!

So should I just leave like this, or what?

**GRANDDAD:**

I'm giving you one last chance.

**SPENCER:**

Oh really?

**GRANDDAD:**

Yeah, we can negotiate, or she can see you on weekends.

**SPENCER:**

**(ANNOYED)**

I'm not a kid!

What, now you want my dinner?

**GRANDDAD:**

Well, I have to know what I'll be expecting when you live with me

**SPENCER:**

Chinese food. Alright?

Or are you gonna take me away from , and have low fat milk?

**GRANDDAD:**

Can you not make this about you...

**SPENCER:**

**(TALKING OVER HIM)**

You just want to ruin our Fridays, and let me starve to death-

**GRANDDAD:**

I don't care what you do-

**SPENCER:**

And she'll never buy gummy bears-

**GRANDDAD:**

If you stick to the plan, I'll let you live here and she'll have to leave-

**CARLY:**

Sup, everyone.

**GRANDDAD AND SPENCER:**

Holy chiz.

**GRANDDAD:**

Great Scott! What are you wearing?

**CARLY:**

Ya know, I just thought I'd go out and uh, do my thing in the world. Like, what Spencer does. You mad?

**GRANDDAD:**

What?

**SPENCER:**

That outfit looks perfect!

**CARLY AND GRANDDAD:**

WTF?

**CARLY:**

I uh, shut up Spencer?

**SPENCER:**

I guess, I were a vampire I'd be into... all of that.

But they can't be in the sun, ya know? Or BAM!

**GRANDDAD:**

You watched that movie?

**SPENCER:**

I'll fill you in.

**GRANDDAD:**

When are we fulfilling our plan?

**SPENCER:**

Right now.

**GRANDDAD:**

Then why is she still standing-?

**SPENCER:**

It's in the stir fry...

**GRANDDAD: **

-And...

**SPENCER:**

Ya gotta be patient old man.

**GRANDDAD:**

I am patient with you, you loon!

**CARLY:**

Right in front of me?

**SPENCER AND GRANDDAD:**

Exnay!

Hush, Dough Girl!

**SPENCER:**

Phase one is already set.

**GRANDDAD:**

What, now you have phases?

What's next? Hiring zombie hobos?

**SPENCER:**

Hiring hobos is illegal and immoral.

**GRANDDAD:**

Ah I knew you couldn't finish the job, so the deal's off!

**SPENCER:**

She's gonna die, and I did it, so wait shortly.

Spencey knows exactly what he's doing.

**[CHICKEN STIR FRY SETS ON FIRE]**

**CARLY:**

Uh, fools?

**SPENCER:**

No!

**(SEES THE STIR FRY)**

Asians!

**GRANDDAD:**

Great idea, you moron!

(CALLING THE FIRE DEPARTMENT)

Hello, I'm here to report a death. One girl, and her brother, who set a fire!

**SPENCER:**

**(TRYING TO PUT OUT THE FIRE)**

If I weren't gonna die, this'd be cool!

**CARLY:**

Hey man, I'm sorry for everything-

**SPENCER:**

**(PICKING UP CARLY)**

Shut up, you're not gonna die!

**GRANDDAD:**

Kill her already!

**SPENCER:**

Run grandpappy, run!

**LEWBERT:**

Oh my gosh, who the heck are you people? Get out, I just want to be alone! Ugh!

**[CUT TO THE LOBBY, AFTER THE FIRE]**

**SAM:**

Be quiet in there girls! Sheesh!

So yeah, Freddie mentioned you dressed up for me.

I'm very pro piercings.

**CARLY:**

Meh, have em if you want. Spencer's not going to leave anyways.

**SAM:**

What?

**CARLY:**

He made some sort of deal, and set the apartment on fire, so now I need a new place to live.

** :**

I _knew_ you liked fire!

**SPENCER:**

Not you again...

Ever since we broke up, I knew you would never stop liking setting thing on fire, just like you did my bathtub.

**FREDDIE:**

Mother, you saw this man?

Love is weird, honey...

**FREDDIE:**

This disgusts me deeply!

** :**

Yes, he's your father!

**SPENCER:**

Please stop. I have no money for him.

** :**

But you have _all_ the money for Carly.

**SAM:**

You're related to Carly?

**FREDDIE:**

This isn't Maury!

**SPENCER:**

You can have Carly, alright? She can do iCarly for you.

**CARLY:**

Dude, no!

**GRANDDAD:**

And I am finally victorious.

Feel free to say your last words tonight.

**FIREMAN:**

Ok, people. We fixed the house.

**GRANDDAD:**

Everything's ok?

**FIREMAN:**

Just like new.

**FIREMAN 2:**

We even got to eat your Chinese food!

**[CUT SCENE TO CARLY, PREPARING TO LEAVE]**

**CARLY:**

Yay. I'm all packed and ready. Bring it on, Hell, we're in for a fight.

**GRANDDAD:**

I know that I pretty much spend your money, but now that you're in my hands, you get no more salary!

**CARLY:**

But I can still end you.

**SPENCER:**

**(HANDING A PAPER TO GRANDDAD)**

Yours.

**GRANDDAD:**

A list?

**SPENCER:**

All of the lawyers, doctors and plastic surgeons you're gonna need when Sam gets her hands on you for stealing her girlfriend, and Freddie tells her where you live, and all.

**GRANDDAD:**

You mean Toplin?

**SPENCER: **

Sure.

The yellow ones are the guys who are probably gangsters,

hitmen or mobsters.

**GRANDDAD:**

Wait, you let her become friends with gangsters and mobsters?

**SPENCER:**

You forgot hitmen.

The blue is her sleep schedule

but she changes it every week thanks to Sam

teaching her about sleeping with one eye open.

The purple is when she needs to take her medication.

It's cool, she's got like seventeen of them to fill.

**GRANDDAD:**

How?

**SPENCER:**

Freddie's mom is kinda cool.

And the pink is all of her boyfriends. Sometimes I don't tell her when they call.

**CARLY:**

'Scuse me?

**SPENCER:**

Love ya.

**(HANDING OVER THE PAPER)**

All yours.

**GRANDDAD:**

Thanks, I think.

It's quite, a list.

**SPENCER:**

Yeah, I know.

**FREDDIE:**

Guess no more Creddie...

**CARLY:**

Afraid so, Prince.

**FREDDIE:**

**(HUGGING CARLY)**

Begone cruel world!

**SAM:**

And you're sure you aren't gonna call me every five minutes you're gone?

**CARLY:**

Still not giving up on the Cam?

**SAM:**

Never.

**[CARLY AND SAM HUG, AND SPENCER GIVES A SMALL SMILE]**

**GRANDDAD:**

Awkward... Now let's go. We've got money to make, things to sell...

**CARLY:**

Um, yeah. So, I'm gonna me-

**FREDDIE:**

**(SOBBING, GRABS ONTO CARLY'S LEG)**

-Don't go!

**CARLY:**

Freddie, stop crying like a girl.

**SAM:**

Lemme fix this.

**[DRAGS FREDDIE AWAY]**

**FREDDIE:**

Yeah so, I just wanted another hug.

**SAM:**

And I wanted one day to have a threesome.

**CARLY:**

Yeah. We all did.

**GRANDDAD:**

Wait, you wanted to do what here?

**SPENCER:**

It would've happened, if you didn't come.

**GRANDDAD:**

Sure would.

**CARLY:**

Can we all just leave now while it's incredibly awkward?

**SAM:**

Agreed.

**FREDDIE: **

Same here.

**SPENCER:**

Ah, shoot!

**[RUNS TO THE BATHROOM AND PULLS OUT CARLY'S INHALER]**

Hey!

**(RUNNING DOWNSTAIRS AND PICKS UP THE PHONE)**

Yellow? No, I'm not telling Freddie I'm his dad anytime soon.

**[A BEAT]**

For the last time, I don't have any money! I don't owe you!

**(RUNS DOWNSTAIRS TO CATCH UP WITH CARLY)**

Halt!

**LEWBERT:**

No! MY FEELS HURT! NO!

**GRANDDAD:**

Alright, almost settled

It looks weird, but we're just taking a-

**SPENCER:**

Sis, hold up!

You need this!

**GRANDDAD:**

More stuff?

**CARLY:**

Spencer, shush. He doesn't need to know that I have asthma, and potentially other neurotic problems I should see a doctor for.

**SPENCER:**

Of course, but uh, yeah, I don't know.

**GRANDDAD:**

How old is that yucky pipe?

**SPENCER: **

About seven years old.

**CARLY:**

Yeah, it doesn't work anymore.

**SPENCER:**

Try it.

It's a weird taste.

**[SPENCER HUGS CARLY]**

**GRANDDAD:**

See, I can't do that.

**SPENCER:**

I know, it'll be loopy-

**GRANDDAD:**

I said I can't take her. You win, as long as she doesn't infect me with whatever she's got.

**CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE:**

You mean I'm free?

Huh?

**FREDDIE:**

My Lord! I am not worthy!

**GRANDDAD:**

Um, who is he trying to be now?

Now now, that doesn't mean I still want a cut of your profits.

**SPENCER:**

Sure!

**CARLY:**

Not a chance!

**GRANDDAD:**

Then I think I should get some screen time.

**SPENCER:**

For what? So you can mimic me?

**[PLAYS WITH HIS STOMACH]**

**GRANDDAD:**

**(DOING THE SAME THING)**

No, I'm not! I want at least four episodes!

**CARLY:**

You guys are tough bargainers! If I do this, no complaints!

**[JOINS SPENCER AND GRANDPA. LOOKING ON, SAM AND FREDDIE JOIN IN, WHILE LEWBERT RETURNS]**

**LEWBERT:**

CAN'T!


End file.
